I have to say, writing this down is going to take some guts. And, let's face it, writing more than just this one post is going to take some more guts...
So I'm just going to have to take the plunge and hope that this is for the better. I would like to briefly explain who I am, and why I am doing this here. Knowing me, though, I will probably fail on the "brief" part. I'll try my best, however, for your benefit.
Who am I?
Well, let me see... I know I'm the one who asked, but that question is a lot more complicated than I had originally thought. To be completely frank, I am many things, but there's one particular reason that I am writing this, so I may as well just say it. Full disclosure: I am rambling here, that is because even though I am only typing on my laptop right now, this is difficult to admit! I mean, here I am, about to come out to the world (only not really, because I have no idea how if anyone is even going to read this) when the only two people who I have even (sort of) come out to are my mom and my therapist. Yes, I know I'm cool. One is payed to listen and the other has to. Regardless, that doesn't exactly make this easy.
But anyway, here it is:
I am gay.
I am a lesbian.
A big fat lesbian.
A dyke.
Whatever you want to call me.
The end. Thank you for reading.
Just kidding, I'm going to elaborate, and there's really nothing you can do to stop me.
Yes, I am a lesbian, although I have never once fucked a girl (or a boy, for that matter) so how do I know?
I think I've always known, although I haven't always known if that makes any sense (I'm aware that it doesn't, but if you expect any of this to make sense you should probably stop reading now...). There were the obvious signs that I somehow managed to ignore. I can stare at pictures of women in magazines (or anywhere) for a really, reeaaally long time, although I can take or leave the men. I really have no idea why my straight friends (and they're all straight) care so much about guys, or how talking about them is actually enjoyable as opposed to exhausting. Not that I blame them, I actually love them a lot. One in particular. And, you see, that is exactly the problem.
It's a strange line, the difference between your best friend, your closest confidante, your favourite person in the world, to girlfriend. Such a fine line, in fact, that crossed it unwittingly, except I wouldn't admit it to myself.
I never fantasized about her. Sexually at least. I used to picture raising kids with her, starting a family, waking up beside her every day. She's gorgeous, smart, wonderful, perfect...boy crazy. And yet, even while knowing all of that - even while making comments (in my head) about how I was in love with her. Maybe I'm just an extremely oblivious person? Although I beg to differ... Conceited maybe, but not oblivious. Im joking, I'd like to think that I'm neither of those things. But I've digressed; so I fell in love with my best friend, completely by accident, and if I'm being honest (and if I've come this far, why not?) I was under her spell, so to speak, even before she would really have considered me a close friend, which is both beside the point, and embarrassing. She just got me, in a sense, she was also one of the most influential people in shaping who I am today.
This is not going to be a blog where I just go on and on and rant about girls, have no fear! It's just, up until now I've ever let myself say any of this, and saying this. Even if technically I still haven't said any of it...
I loved her, and for a year or maybe more, in my mind she was my girlfriend, although somehow I was still able to delude myself into thinking that I was straight, throughout. Yes, we talked about boys together, I even enjoyed it, although that was only because I loved every second I was talking to her ,I never wanted to leave her, somehow, talking about personal stuff, talking about boys felt like something we had together, in my mind. She was letting me in, in a way.
Liking girls while being a girl has a dynamic all it's own. Especially when you look straight and when all of your friends (both male and female) think that you're straight, hell, especially when you think that you're straight.
(If this is confusing you I apologize, at the same time, you will also get a sense for how I feel, which is basically summed up by the world "confused").
I'm talking about more than locker room dynamics here, although locker rooms have always been awkward for me, because I have always so hard not to look. Oddly enough, it had also always been a mystery to me why locker rooms used to be awkward. It's about more than the sexual, and people don't seem to realize this, I blame modern society for that. When you are close friends with a girl you tell each other things, your secrets, you discuss your periods, you talk about what it means to be a girl. You also talk about a lot of useless, superficial stuff, and throw in a ton about clothes and makeup there too! I didn't mean to lump the clothes and makeup with the useless, that was a complete accident. Basically, when you're a girl you just talk a lot. So being friends with her - let's call her Vanessa, after a character in Jodi Picoult's novel "Sing You Home". A novel which helped me a great deal in coming to terms with who I am. So being friends with Vanessa, and being a girl we got pretty close. The thing is, in my mind it was one thing (whether subconsciously or consciously) and in her's I'm sure it was completely different.
I spent that year finding ways to make us both miserable. I kept being disappointed by her, I convinced myself she was a bad friend, she didn't like me, she found me clingy, she found me annoying. Until eventually, I became all of those things, in addition to possessive, and the like. In my mind it was like being constantly cheated on, only I couldn't say why. It wasn't until I had completely driven her away that I was in the car with my mother Meryl, and we were talking about life (as my mother and I sometimes do, I had no idea that my friends would think that that was strange, or abnormal) when she finally told me that I treated Vanessa like my boyfriend. She hadn't meant anything by this comment, later she told me she didn't know why she'd said it, but upon hearing it I started crying, and I came out right there, both to her, and to myself. After that I proceeded in coming out to her four or five more times, because every time I said it I never felt quite certain. That was because I'd known I was gay the entire time, I'd just been able to ignore it, so this wasn't that different.
I hope that Vanessa doesn't accidentally stumble at this as she sifts through the contents of the web, I've tried (and probably failed) not to let her know that this is about her. But someday, through facebook or whatever other social networking site they decide to pull out of their butt's, she will find out that I'm with a girl, I might even come out and tell the world about this blog, too. At that time, she will have no doubts about who she is, I'm sure.
All of this happened a few months ago, and I have spent the time in between coming to terms with myself. I have other close girl friends (and don't think that just because I'm a lesbian I'm attracted to them too, because trust me, I'm not) who I could tell, but they think that they know me, and if I told them, than I would lose some of the ease that comes with female friendships. How could it not? And as for Vanessa, who is the most openminded person I know, and the one that I would usually tell these things to, well, for obvious reasons I cannot talk to her.
Instead I have turned to you, oh anonymous internet world. You who are complete strangers.
Why you?
To this I can supply a much shorter answer: because I have never cared what the wold thinks of me, just what those closest to me (namely Vanessa) thought of me, so if you're homophobic or if you think this is dumb or cheesy, I don't really give a shit. It's not me who'll be losing out on a blog! If I've found an ally in you, however, I sincerely want to thank you. Because that is why I'm here, I needed somewhere I could talk where I could be heard.
As a 16 year old girl tumblr or another site might've been a more obvious choice to connect with other gay youth, but on a site like that I couldn't write, and that is what I need right now. More than a girlfriend or another lesbian friend to help me to deal. I just need somewhere to talk. Also, a place to share the sometimes witty sometimes not, sometimes meaningless thoughts that pass through my head. So why not?
What?
This is going to be about more than just being a Lesbian. I'm more than just a lesbian. No, actually that's all I am, a mindless, heartless lesbian zombie, walking the streets of the earth just to scare men. Yeah, I'm more than just a lesbian zombie, I'm also a girl who loves to wear dresses, and used to pretend she was a princess. I love makeup and stories and skiing, and yes, I also love girls.
Why else would I bet content to stay in the closet for now, if not for it's lovely wardrobe selection? Fashion for all seasons!
